Hair Dressers and Umbrella Thieves

So the day after Thanksgiving marked the moment when I first fell victim to a crime. This night was nothing short of bizarre. I now enter the ranks of Amy and Serena, all victims of petty theft. Josh, Mike, and I make a cross town trek to a fantastic restaurant, Gusto, in the pouring rain. We are talking Tiber river flooding, serious umbrella weather, looking to board a boat, rain. Walking in the rain, absolutely no singing, for 30 minutes until we make it to Gusto has yielded wet pants from the knee down (ah the power of capillary action). Now this restaurant is pretty hip and general good manners should be used. As Josh and I don't see an umbrella depository, being the gentlemen that we are, we store our umbrellas outside near the front door. In we go. Our waiter, deemed to be Karen's next hair dresser as he clearly was not a good waiter gives me a menu. I tell him that I am not eating and would just like to see a wine menu. After all I just came for birthday drinks (Amy's b-day). He brings me out a glass and an open bottle of wine. Asks me if it is ok, and before I can utter a word, pours me a taste. Awestruck, I tell him that I want to see a menu. He then does the same for Josh and Mike. This is going to be real fun with an asshole that wants to push overstocks off on foreigners. I take the sample and order a different glass of wine. A couple of hours pass and when it comes time for the bill the fun begins. My glass is not on the bill, so I just blindly give him money. Then the ladies want to separate the check, but he can't do it, which he explains very rudely. The bottle of wine he suggested for the ladies which he claimed was only a couple of bucks more than what they were looking at turned out to be 8 euro more. This is the definition of price gauging. As the girls finagle the cash card dilemma, he has the audacity to tell us that tip is not included and that it is 15%. Surprisingly enough this is the first time while in Rome that this had occurred. What an ass for trying to take advantage of us. He didn't get 15%, and he forgot half a bottle of prosecco on the table which after the bill was signed magically disappeared. Leaving with a sour flavor that contaminates the culinary flavors in my mouth, we bid farewell to the far too stylish and superior Italian who tried to screw us. As I emerge from one barrage and prepare to enter the next, still raining drops so big that the sidewalk looks like fish jumping out of a lake, I realize my umbrella has been stolen. Thirty more minutes of fun in the rain without an umbrella. Where are the umbrella salesmen when you need them. Are they stealing umbrellas and reselling them to other tourists? Ah, Italy.

Plenty to be Thankful for

I hope everyone had a most amazing Thanksgiving. Although I had to this most pure festivity away from the sacredness of my family, I was able to surround myself with friends. What an amazing feast we had, even if it was in a classroom. The table was adorned with little toms and most impressive 13 kilo turkey was somehow cooked deliciously in an oven far to small. Martha Stewart would have been proud. Twenty-two students preparing twenty-two traditional dishes from their families makes for the eclectic Thanksgiving feel. I have never been at a Thanksgiving where Jello shots were tradition, but I am not one to judge. The noises, smells, and action were all authentic. It does feel like the holidays now. May you all have had a great holiday as well filled with laughter, food, and good health.

48 Hours of Artistic Pandemonium

My first time to Fiernze and I am still reeling from the experience. The city sweats of exquisite art, it can not hold more. Indeed the city is a giant gallery. In a mere 48 hours I managed to see all the important sites minus one. My legs are tired and my soles worn to the liner, but my mind is full and spirit renewed. I will start with the "Birth of Venus." I had no idea the painting was so large. She is breathtaking. Serene. It is hard to describe the power of such a piece, but the combination of movement and her stoically calm demeanor yield a highly volatile piece. The second piece would be the Duomo. An immaculant combination of colors, textures, and materials encourages a dynamic experience. Once inside, climbing through passageways and examining the inside of the dome is worth the hefty 6 euro charge. The frescos on the interior of the dome are powerfully grandiose, depicting a divine battle of biblical proportions. One gets the pleasure of not only experiencing the inside, but on summiting. An amazing panorama of Fiernze awaits. Try and catch your breath and take it all in. By far the single most moving piece for me was David. I turned the corner and was nearly knocked on my ass. By breath was drawn from me and a tingling chill traveled my spinal chord. Electrifying. David is a magnificent sculpture alone, but the setting around him makes him epic. Flanked by unfinished works of Michelangelo, these behemoth blocks of stone are animated with expertly executed rough drafts emerging from them. You get the opportunity to see the hand at work. Then David is awash in amazing natural light, making him appear to glow within the space he commands. All the tourists just seem to disappear.

Cosmo.it

At some point I will catch up and describe my travels in Fierenze, but for now, quench your parched medulla oblongata on a peppering of Italian Cosmo quotes. Clearly, cosmo maintains an equally racy and mysterious level of intrigue in Italy as in the U.S.

tacchi da' mal di mare--(a stiletto that turns the sea mad) Image a pair of heels that are so subductively saturated they can infuse a room with such electricity and sexual power only a raging sea can rival them.

lingerie da urlo--(lingerie that howls) Now every woman needs a pair of fine Italian lingerie that leaves her screaming like a wild animal.

devo sprigieriare l' erotismo--(the need to release ones' eroticism)

Now I know where all the cheesy lines woman expect Italian men to woo them with come from. Clearly Italian men are well-vised in the art of verbal seduction.

Uva Rara

Last Friday night Josh and I decided to try our hand at a quaint wine bar in Trastevere. When we walked in we soon realized that the attractive young woman (how do Josh and I always manage to drink around such great ladies) spoke beautiful American English. It became quite appetizing to have a causal conversation with another American who is not studying architecture or trying to figure out how to get to the colleseum. Eventually we discover that our wine nymph doesn't like wine, but is dating the owner. So as she procures our bottle, we know a good show is unfolding. To begin with she uses a foil cutter, but creates a jagged scarring gauge at the improper location on the bottle. Next she thrusts the corkscrew in with vigorous determination, futiliy trying to make up for her previous sloppiness. She steps the corkscrew out...first pull...second. Now typically the cork should be free by now and she should be smelling it. But no, not our little Californian. She yanks and pulls, rotating the bottle around violently trying to jimmy the cork free of its five year grasp. Back and forth she jostles the cork, coaxing it out with grunted verbiage. "Come on little fellow, come on work with me." As she is doing this she bluntly proclaims her fear of breaking another cork off, but quickly reassures us that she is fully trained to remove broken cork. How many times has she done this? No time to ask. SNAP...well the cork is broken sitting mockingly in the neck. However, she is quite good at removing a broken cork. At least she gets a lot of practice at it. But as this little spectacle is unfolding my mind wanders to where all mens' minds wander...sex. Phallic references are easily drawn from what I witness and combining that with her soothing sentences yields a truly divine mental image. Continuing along this train of thought...SNAP...I begin to suddenly feel sorry for her boyfriend. None the less witnessing another random American floundering helplessly in the Italian culture like I do was refreshing. Because of this I am sure I will be back. She definitely is an Uva Rara (try not to say that without a growl).

Wonkavision

"A little nonsense, now and then, is relished by the wisest men." There is no other way to describe the eccentric purchase of one quirky undergraduate. Maybe it is the mystique of Capri (the Sirens of the shopping world) that confounds logic and coaxes people to make fantasmic purchases. Nonetheless a purchase of economically priced faux designer frames occurred. Pearly white, squat, and square...a modern take on wonkavision glasses. Give the man a white suit and a top hat.
"We are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of dreams."

Noises from an abyss

Playing soccer in a piazza in Italy used to be an accepted past time. But apparently in Almalfi this is frowned upon as it makes people crazy. Five-thirty on a weeknight, four of us decide to knock the ball around. Nothing competitive or physical. Four guys juggling and passing. A little conversation to pass the time. Abruptly from an abyss in the urban fabric a high pitched drawn out "eeeee...ooooooo" is uttered in out general direction. I must warn you that the correct spelling of the sounds still eludes me six days after experiencing it. The noise was both odd and well calculated. The first time such Italian vulgarities are uttered at us we pay them little response. "eeee...oooo" Ok, so maybe it is one of our friends playing a bizarre joke on us from one of the hotel windows. We placate them in turning around and looking for the origin of such pollution. Silence and darkness. Back to the game, an anomaly, a tear in the interstitial fabric of time. It comes again like some horror movie haunting..."Booooccckkk....Moooooo." Now as they more closely resemble barnyard noises it must clearly be either one of our friends or the matting call of a salty dog. Between each noise is roughly a 30 second pause...yes a full thirty seconds. "Seeeeoowww." Sounds like meow. Ok we should reply as we still cannot see who is making noises at us. Clearly they were not raised with manners. As a cultured bunch of Americans, we begin meowing into the dark at this noisy object. Nothing....30 second pause. "ping....beep...beep." Maybe it is the audition for Police Academy Italy. Finally when our curiosity is reaching a boiling point a hardly discernible, unbelievably drawn out, "Sileeeeeennnnccceeeee....Pleeeeeeeeeaaaaaasssssse" is wailed from the bowels of some subterranean lair. Squeaking reverberations bound off the battered walls of Christendom. Well enough soccer for us. Enough noises from a crazy lady. Maybe we can coax her out of hiding with a can of tuna.

Blue Grotto

I went to Capri. Let me preface this by saying, if Villa Malaparte had not been there I never would have gone. Josh and I decided to take a boat around the island and see everything from the sea. It sounded like a steal for 10 euro, but there area always hidden costs in Italy. Away we go speeding down the coast with four other people; two young Asian woman and a middle-aged Italian couple (possibly married). One of the places we get to see is the Blue Grotto (apparently a must see). But with all travels you reach a point somewhere along the journey where you get shafted by a tourist scam. So the large boat stops near a small hole in the rock. An armada of dinghies approach. Since our captain is an Italian male the young woman get a dingy all to themselves, typical. The Italian couple are escorted down the ladder into a second dingy. Then the captain commands me to get in, where our greasy rower folds me like a piece of luggage, awkwardly stowing me under a support board; my ass positioned between the woman's legs, pinching both her and her boyfriend's legs against the side of the boat. Josh is the last to board, positioned at crotch level with our rower in the bow of the vessel. We are rowed up to another boat where we are forced to pay 8.50 euro as an entrance fee. I can hardly reach my wallet, but am so uncomfortable, my ass now drenched with the salt water from previous trips, that I reluctantly pay. I just keep smiling and telling myself not to rock the boat, no one would be able to get out if they wanted to. As we approach the hole, the rower yells at Josh to put his head down. The rower grabs a chain attached to the wall and yanks us into the grotto. In performing this movement, he violently thrusts his ass into my face smashing it into the woman's crotch. A game of ass-crotch ping pong ensues as I try to regain consciousness. Everything goes blue...eerie. I hear Italian's singing. We are paddled around the grotto and then back to the threshold. I can anticipate what is coming, but am powerless to reposition myself to avoid it. Ding...round two. I hate being the ball. After maybe 5 minutes we return to our boat where I am told to get out. I thought it was difficult to get in, well getting out in any sort of a dignified manner is impossible. I am forced to rotate 180 degrees positioning my body such that I appear to be bedding this man's girlfriend. Then thrust my body vertically along her until I can reach a point to bend my knees thus straddling her face with my crotch. Reluctantly I can only muster a sheepish "scusa" as I perform a sexual boat dance with another man's woman. As I exit the dingy, the rower has the audacity to ask me for a tip. I have a tip for you...

Umbrella Condoms

Ah, the umbrella condom. The name says it all; a protective device which enables one to prevent fluid from making its way to any number of undesirable surfaces. They come in a variety of colors (yellow, smoke grey, and translucent) and fit a large variation of sizes, although pretty much one size fits all. Application is a snap, literally. First locate a new umbrella condom. Attach the condom to the end. This can be done in either a fully erect state or when not deployed. Ensure that you attach the condom on the correct end. Verify which direction it unfolds to ensure correct orientation. The condom is only effective if you prevent premature contamination. Now unlike normal condoms, the umbrella condom must be used when the umbrella is not deployed. Simply close the umbrella. Gently slide the condom up the shaft of the umbrella, ensuring a dry and pleasant umbrella experience. Proper use of the umbrella condom will ensure that indoor spaces are free of unwanted fluids and prevent angry looks from your neighbors. Be prepared...umbrella condoms will be taking Seattle by storm this winter when our arsenal returns.

Complexities of Menu Navigation

It has been a while since I have posted. Sorry, but I was on a trip to the South of Italy navigating some of the most complex Italian menus. Now imagine a menu with eight times as many pages of wine as food. Then somewhere within the sea of wine pages lurks a food page. Once you get past the overwhelmed feeling, navigating the waters is a bit tricky. First you have to know a thing or two about wine. Slowly, but surely I have been learning. Second you should try and match wine and food. This of course is complicated by the difficulty in translating Italian food dishes. Some of the translations are things like voracious octopus, pork to the irons, penne mad, or fish to the crazy water. Once you have managed to figure out this menu you have to try and remember what you ordered for both primi and secondi. I heavily recommend the stuffed squid.