Directions from a Machine Gun

Have you ever tried to get directions from a machine gun wielding bullet-proof vest wearing Italian? It begins with an attempt, a poor attempt at asking for directions with your fragmented Italian. When they (there are two of them) reply that they do not understand you...you are required to resort to any means necessary to solve the problem, usually resulting in you looking like a fool. I gesticulate what I am looking for and how to get there, which now I realize by their facial reactions closely resembled, "I hate your president and I would like to blow him and all your churches up." Mayday...Mayday...I am going down. Seeing where this is headed I attempt to recover from my poor volley of gestures with a series of over zealous full body motions and rapidly spoken English ramblings. Now they are raising their guns, sweaty palms closing around the handle, the finger bending around the trigger. A moment of truth, a light bulb comes on, "I have an Italian phrase book in my coat pocket," problem solved. I calmly tell them everything is going to fine and make a confident move towards the inside pocket of my coat to withdraw my solution. World goes black...I wake up. I am confident that this was a dream, but the next day when Jill asks for directions to a church from two machine gun wielding Carabinieri, lets just say I didn't stick around to find out how it went.