Bird Lady

This post is a follow up to the 2007 Voodoo Chicken post (linked in title). Today I experienced a profoundly odd event. While at the Pink Elephant car wash. I thought it would be smart to get the car washed just before the Super Bowl as the lines would be minimal and I could expedite the process. My assumption proved true, but I failed to realize that the chances of running across more crazies was increased. Standing outside in the grey northwest afternoon, I attentively watch as men dry and polish my car. An African-American woman approaches. She is walking her bike and wearing a 'Nutcase' helmet. This should have been my first warning. As she approaches I notice her carrying something. When she is near me it is revealed she is holding a pigeon by both its wings. Shocked and a bit alarmed, I wonder what is going on here. Calmly she asks me, "Do you know the number I can call to get some help for this pigeon's broken foot." Dumbfounded, I pause while I process what is going on here. I mean seriously lady, you call the pigeon police. Of course I don't know that number. So I politely respond, "No I am sorry I do not know who you should call." Although I did briefly think about giving out a friend's number as a prank. She continues to stare at me, this bird so exhausted it has acquiesced to her grip. I then inform her that I don't think it is smart for her to hold a pigeon. I mean aren't pigeons like the rats of the air? They always have weird growths and missing toes. She looks at me, confused that I have suggested she release the bird. Saying no more she continues walking down the street as the car wash workers are caught in awe as she parades her hand caught fowl for all to see.

Final Approach Los Angeles

Palin gets Owned

Watch Sarah Palin get owned by Colbert. From minutes 2:07 to 3:19 Colbert goes on a tear. Sit back enjoy and  try to keep up. I applaud you Mr. Colbert.

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Mika Brzezinski Experiences Palin Fatigue
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor & Satire Blog Video Archive

The Haunting Future of our Food

The reality of childhood obesity is alarming. I am not talking about the alarming increase in the number of fat kids, that is obvious. Kids are no longer chubby, they are obese. An example happened to a friend of mine recently. He teaches outdoor education courses for a school district in Colorado (the fittest state). Grade schoolers get on a bus and go off for a day into nature to learn about the outdoors, it is similar to Islandwood near Seattle. So my friend was taking kids for a nature hike. After a short distance they reach a wire fence. My friend lifts the fence and helps all the kids through; well all except one. The one young child is unable to squeeze his body between the wires. My friend now distraught as all the waiting kids are now helpless to see how an adult can remedy this situation. So my friend decides he can lift the kid over the fence. So he talks it over with the kid and then tries to pick him up. Unable to lift him over the fence my friend has to help the entire class back through the fence and cancel the hike. The class is bummed, the overweight child feels singled out and horrible for ruining the fun for all his friends. Is this anyway to live as a child? I think not.

Tonight I was again reminded of our inability to teach proper fitness and nutrition to our children. I am lucky I grew up on fruits and vegetables from our garden, we canned fruit from the neighborhood orchard, and my protein consisted of mostly game which my father hunted. I know...I am so redneck rustic, but it was an incredibly healthy and economical food source. But tonight I saw a young mother who probably didn't know any better. She was clearly in a rush as she whisked her young daughter around the grocery store. Making incredibly general assumptions, she looked to be a young working-class mother who probably had a tight budget and an even more restricted schedule. Food was a necessity and the preparation had to be minimal. Read: processed food in front of the television; no plates or silverware...only disposable packaging. As she hit the refrigerated aisles she had a choice. On her right was all the packaged meats from the butcher. On her left was the processed foods, cheeses, and ziplocked deli meats. She went left and grabbed three Hormel Refrigerated Entrees. Her young daughter was excited to have Slow Simmered Chicken Breasts in Gravy. Sounds healthy right? Now I have nothing against Hormel, but this is an argument about the issue with teaching our children to rely on packaged food. That "Chicken" had over 1070mg of sodium in a 161g meal. The other entrees she selected were heavy in sodium, sugar, and fats; not to mention the unpronounceable ingredients. Now I don't blame the mother, but this isn't food and this isn't the way we should be raising our kids.

Below is one last example of marketing that makes sugary cereals irresistible to children.

America's Joyous Future

It is moments such as this, when one receives an image that make you ponder the "American Dream." Where have we gone wrong? It would become a perfect visual metaphor of US society if it was a church renting worship space in a public school.

Penetration Details

The other day I was doing some all too boring detailing. Taking a step back I realized how hilarious these details truly are. Here they are for your enjoyment. My favorite are the Butt Strips located near the Sanitary Sealant. Suddenly my life seems more interesting.

2012 Qatar?

Initially when FIFA announced that Qatar had been awarded the 2022 World Cup I was upset. As an American my displeasure stemmed from hoping to see the Cup come back to the States. That and to be fair I wasn't really sure where specifically Qatar was. But as time has passed, I have become increasingly agitated by the decision. I sincerely wish all the best to Qatar. The game is more important than any single location that may host the Cup; and as a true fan of the game it would be petty of me to wish ill to those that have the honor of hosting. But there are several fundamental issues with this selection, which in their summation drastically question the wisdom of the decision FIFA has made. Publicly, FIFA has stated they are aware of the risks and in granting Qatar the Cup they are taking a calculated risk. But there are certain risks, which no amount of money can overcome. These gross miscalculations are as follows:

The Environment:
First and most obviously it is hot in Qatar; but really hot in June and July when the Cup is played. Average summer highs are 106F (41C). But rest assured it is a dry heat. Clearly this is an issue the Qatar bid must have addressed. Their solution is a series of solar-powered air conditioned stadia. That would be fine except how do you get to the cool stadia from your hotel? And if you look even more closely at the designs, most are ringed by seas of asphalt for the parking. So now you have thousands of spectators parking in the desert being asked to walk across the hot asphalt to reach the cool stadium. If they don't pass out getting there the temperature shock in the stadium will do them in. Secondly, where will the teams train? Are there going to be secondary air conditioned training facilities to accommodate all the teams, cause I am confident the English won't be hitting the training pitch in those conditions. These conditions are so horrid members of Qatar's own Confederation have suggested moving the tournament to December.
Qatar did a nice job of demonstrating how sustainable this game can be. The air conditioned stadia powered by the sun. The compact size of the country (about the size of Phoenix) allows all the games to take place in a small area. Now if only the English language had a word to describe this...oh wait it does...greenwashing. The South Africa World Cup attracted around 400,000 visitors. All of these visitors need places to stay, shop, and eat. And all of these places need to be air conditioned. So you are going to see a 30% increase in energy demand alone just for the visitors. Then you plan on dismantling your stadia and sending them around the world, thus consuming yet more energy to ship this behemoths. All I have to say to FIFA is if you thought a tournament in the desert in July sounds smart you should have come to the Far West Regional Tournament in Vegas. The players cleats were melting...MELTING!

Human Rights:
In relation to many Middle Eastern states, Qatar is quite liberal. But is it willing to challenge their cultural ideology to welcome the world within their borders? After announcing the bid their was concern raised by Israel, who feared their nationals would not be permitted to enter the country. Currently, persons with any visible connection to Israel on their passport are denied entry to the country. Women have also voiced concern. Their dress must remain "modest" (covered legs and sleeved shirts). But more importantly was the gender bias of the legal system. By Western standards women are not afforded nearly the rights that men are. Lastly, homosexuality is illegal in Qatar. When Sepp Blatter was specifically asked about this issue, he coyly told them not to engage in sexual acts while attending the Cup. Thanks Sepp, but that sounds pretty GAY. You expect a bunch of gays to just stand by and cheer loudly when their team wins the Cup? I don't know about the rest of you, but if I was at the World Cup and the US won I would grab the nearest girl and make out with her. But not to fear, the oppressive alcohol laws nearly ensure no one will be celebrating with an adult libation. First you need to secure a permit. Consumption can only take place in a designated restaurant or your hotel room. Then you have to stake out in the putrid 100+ degree heat in search of one of two liquor stores in the country. I imagine the line is going to be pretty long. As a side not it might be a good business move to establish a counterfeit alcohol permitting booth just around the corner from these stores. And after I do walk the miles from my car to the stadium, the heat exhaustion setting in, I won't be allowed to purchase an ice cold beer inside. Well, I guess it is safe to say there will be no drunk Israeli lesbians in mini-skirts at the Cup.



Qatar National Team:
As hosts Qatar gets an automatic birth to the World Cup. At first I wasn't even certain they had a national team. Yup, the team currently ranked #114 in the world gets to be in a tournament of the best 32 teams in the world. They are just slightly worse than Wales and only marginally better than Suriname. This past cup South Africa became the first host nation in the history of the game to fail to advance out of group play. South Africa is ranked #51. Well, fingers crossed the US gets drawn into the group with Qatar, cause this is the quality finishing we get to look forward to seeing. Perhaps the game looks better when you are suffering sun stroke with your sober male friends and you can't spot a woman cause they are all "modestly" dressed.
Simply this was what Sepp Blatter wanted. And what Sepp wants Sepp gets. Whether or not this is a feeble attempt to win a Nobel Peace Prize is unsubstantiated. Bravo FIFA, bravo. Levi out!


And now an update. This just keeps getting better.

Surround yourself with Druggie Friends

This is why I don't do drugs. And why I surround myself with friends that do.

Snow Devolution

This past week a rather magnificent storm pounded the northwest. A frigid torrent of Canadian Arctic air violently collided with moisture breathed from the bowls of Mt. Olympus himself. Snowpocalypse 2010 was born. It was during my long (3 hour) commute home that I began to question why is winter travel so incapacitating here in Seattle. Now I grew up in the rural mountains of Colorado, the kind of place where one drives 70 mph over the passes in a whiteout without batting an eye. So what makes travel so different here? 
First, the city has 20 snow plows to upkeep 1,524 lane miles of arterial streets (or 76 lane miles per plow). Simply put when it is snowing the city cannot keep the streets open. Once snow stops and the arterial streets are clear then the city can begin to address the thousands of lane miles of neighborhood streets. Keep in mind many of the neighborhood streets are either too narrow, too steep, or cobbled which prevents the use of a plow.
Second, we have hills. Sure the Twin Cities see cold temperatures and plenty of snow; but it is flatter than shit there. When a 12% grade is covered in ice there is nothing the city can do except close it. And if you own a gas guzzling 600 HP power stroke diesel, you are still screwed. Just because you feel indestructible in your tank, doesn't mean nature isn't going to own you. Buckle up ass hole!

But, Colorado has snow, cold weather, and hills and they still get around. Yes that is all true, but they not only have ample plows to handle the workload, but they also have a population that is conditioned for living in such an environment. They drive 4X4 cars, have chains and studded tires. But Colorado's roads remain relatively ice free. Why is this?
My third point is the hippie paradox. In Colorado roads are bathed in the chemical magnesium-chloride or "mag" as the locals call it. This wonder drug lowers the freezing point and thus keeps the roads wet, not frozen. A oily translucent slime is splashed against your car all winter long, requiring you to carry extra windshield wiper fluid just to make a three hour drive on the highway. Furthermore Mag eats away the paint and many of the casings on your car. So now you have to wash your car all winter long. Although the government claims it is safe, I question this. If it eats away at my car, what does it do to the environment? And in the environmental mecca of Seattle, there is no way the citizens would permit thousands of gallons of this stuff draining into the sound and lubing up Willy. And we all know from the last snow storm we can't use salt cause it is bad for the Sound. So this time we tried a new product; brine water. Essentially a concentrated salt water mix, it was supposed to be less harmful than salt and closer in concentrations to sea water. Sounds great right? Well that was until this past storm when the Artic air from our Northern Neighbors froze that shit to the roads. So we ended up with salty icy roads.

But what perplexes me most is the attitude of Seattle's citizens. We have had snow before. We have had icy roads before. And we have all seen the youtube videos of cars cascading down our streets wrecking havoc on other cars. And yet each year we try again to conquer mother nature. It is devolution at its finest. What nudges a motorist to once again risk thousands of dollars in vehicle damage and the safety of themselves and their neighbors to try to summit a hill? You can walk up the hill more easily, more safely, and come the next morning you don't have to drive your car back down the hill you just so valiantly conquered the previous day. What is more astounding than this are the ones that avoid the secondary hills and go for the gusto. Queen Anne hill is steep, we all know this. There are other less steep routes to the top than Queen Anne Blvd. And yet some people gun their Subaru up the hill in a valiant attempt at youtube immortality. And not surprisingly they come up short and stack by the side of the road with all the other meatheads who too commonly exaggerate the true measure of an inch. This is not some pissing contest or a platform to whip it out and demonstrate how manly you are. This is mother nature and she will kick your ass. So next time leave your car behind. Take to foot or hop on the lightrail. There are better, faster, safer, and more cost effective ways to get home. Leave the hills for the sledders, cause you all know you aren't going to work the next day. And lastly, don't bitch to the mayor, he is mortal and can't walk on water or drive on ice either.

Battle of the Bums

So I failed to make a solitary post for the month of October. Excuses aside, I am going to chalk it up to the fact that I was planning a minor adventure to SE Asia and thus spent two weeks away from the allure of my glowing monitor and clunky keyboard. That is not to say that I stopped making notes of the obscure everyday occurrences I witnessed.


On a recent walk to the grocery store I approached a rather dangerous intersection. Four roads come together, three of which are one way streets, and none of them line up. This not only makes the intersection mind numbing for the motorist, as they struggle to decipher the universe ending possibility of a legal left turn on red, but it creates an equally ambiguous dilemma for the pedestrian. The best part about this intersection is the coffee shop which sits quaintly on the corner. Chairs provide a front row seat to the spectacle of real life frogger combined with Washington drivers. So at this intersection I found myself patiently waiting for that perfect window of opportunity when the red hand transitions to the white walking man. It is at just that moment when one must bravely claim the intersection. While this is going on I see a bum woman and a bum man waiting on the other side. They are talking rather loudly, his speech slurred. People are taking notice, wondering if something is amiss. And then out of nowhere, just before the signal transitions to walking man; she pushes him. I am not talking some playful little nudge. No she forcefully shoves this grown man to the curb. The bags he is holding in his hands spill into the streets, a tsunami of paper bagged liquor. His one tattered shoe shoots airborne as he stumbles for footing with the curb. Full beers cans roll down the street. Not only was her push good and forceful, her timing was impeccable. Just at the moment that his stubbled face is making contact with the asphalt, the light turns green. Motorists are dazed, taunted by the green light they cannot accept and baffled by the audacity of this woman. Pedestrians are equally perplexed, uncertain to whom they should offer aid. Bum, rolling beers, stalled motorists, bagged booze, baffled citizens, and a single defiant woman simultaneously possess the intersection of chaos. Time progresses slower, the only movement that of the brazen woman who crosses the intersection and confidently states, "that felt great!" A wry grin showing on her lips. Green turns to yellow and everyone returns to their senses rapidly helping to collect the man's belongings and return order to the intersection.