In Search of Patience

Life is such a beautifully complex and yet simple entity. Despite attempts to control life or to develop systems which provide the illusion of control and predictability; life just is. Tomorrow may come or it may not, and choices made today have minimal impacts on the actions of tomorrow. If life, twice distilled, is so simple then why is the pursuit of fulfillment so elusive? I do not recall life always seeming so complex and daunting. And if I can recognize where this change occurred, why can I not ascertain how to restore my life to this simpler time? Despite our best attempts, fulfillment is not quantifiable. Numbers cannot be punched into an equation to yield a solution to fulfillment. And yet we as humans struggle to understand that which cannot be learned.
This is where patience becomes of paramount importance. I used to be a naively optimistic person. My emotional range could be quantified by the range represented by a ruler. On either end, the emotional extremes (both good and bad), and in the middle the spiritual balance one seeks. Then an interesting thing happened in my life. Someone came up to me and said, "Wow that is a nice ruler; but have you seen a yard stick?" Previous to this conversation I lived the expanses of my emotions; but only within the confines of the ruler. The ruler represented the known extents of my emotional world. Impressed by the novelty and mystery of the yard stick I eagerly traded; simultaneously failing to comprehend the totality of my decision. Of course there was added range to the good, a place to experience a whole new world of euphoric exaltation. I drank the cool-aid and immersed myself in the wonderful toxicity of new found happiness. But I was blind to the increased dark range of the yard stick. The shadows of my soul were now more present and more accessible. The distance of balance now further from the bipolar edges of experience.
The reality is that I can not go back to the days of the ruler, even if I wanted. When one learns that a yard stick exists, one cannot unlearn that. Perhaps this is the way people grow. Perhaps I am on the cusp of learning that there is another larger range of emotion to experience. But in the present as I waver between edges of my yard stick; I develop patience. Patience for direction to be found. Patience for tomorrow. But most importantly, patience for life.